Inevitability
by undeadbutstillalive
Summary: The quiet balance the boys have found, despite their diquieting feelings, is suddenly tipped when Sam gets a girlfriend
1. Chapter 1

**Inevitability**

Dean and Sam had always been codependent on each other to an unhealthy degree. It showed in Sam's love for Dean; his non-brotherly love that everyone knew about, but nobody talked about. It showed in Dean's extreme over protectiveness, despite the odd looks people gave them when Dean overreacted about some small thing that had happened to Sam.

They both knew, from common sense and what other people had said about them, that their codependence wasn't right, wasn't natural; and yet, it felt so natural to them. This created some uncomfortable feelings in them and questions that neither of them were prepared to deal with. So they didn't deal with them, instead they found ways to distract themselves, outlets for their emotions. Such as hunting. Dean also became quite the drinker and ladies man. Sam had taken a few girls to bed, but had found none of them satisfying, so he began to focus more on learning about whatever new thing the supernatural world had decided to throw at them that week.

It worked too. When Dean was drunk or laying with whatever random girl he had found at the bar, his mind wasn't focused on Sam. And when Sam was researching fearies or dragons, or whatever, his thoughts weren't centered around Dean. Hunting actually allowed them to give into their feelings, but the adrenaline washed away any uncomfortable thoughts that came with their emotions towards each other. When you're hunting in pairs like the brothers do, you completely rely on the other person; trust them with your life, literally. Hunting was a time when their codependence not only felt natural, it _was_ natural.

But the gentle balance they had so miraculously achieved was rudely disrupted when Sam got a girlfriend. It was sudden and surprised everyone, especially Sam. He had never wanted girls, had never wanted anyone except Dean. But he didn't seem to be able to let this girl go.

She was a petite brunette. She had absolutely nothing to do with the supernatural world. Sam treasured the normalcy he got when he was with her. It was so different from talking to Dean about ghosts and skinchangers, or worse, angles and demons. And kissing her was- nice. It wasn't passion filled and overwhelming, but it didn't disgust him like kissing other girls had. He did it as often as possible, but that's as far as it ever went. She said she didn't want to jump right into bed, because that was what had ruined her previous relationship. Sam didn't push. Her name was Tammie, which prompted Dean to go around singing, "Sammy and Tammie, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g," much to Sam's annoyance.

But Sam didn't realize the way his relationship hurt Dean. Dean's distractions weren't working anymore. Every time he took a girl to bed it was Sam's face he saw twisted in pleasure, Sam's voice he heard crying out his name in ecstasy. It was wrong. Dean knew Sam was in love with him; Sam had admitted it once, only once. But Dean didn't feel the same way about Sam. He knew he couldn't live without Sam and he knew he loved the boy like nothing else, but he wasn't _in love_ with Sam. But Dean was still hurt. He had known all his life that he would never have to share Sam. He had been sure of that since they were teenagers, the only time Sam had ever confessed to him.

********FLASHBACK*********

"Why don't you get a girlfriend? There are plenty of girls here who moon after you."

"Nah, we'll probably be gone in a couple of weeks. Once dad gets back."

"So? Might as well have a girl while you're here."

"I'm fine, really."

"Really? You'd be better with a girl. I'm serious, you're always so sullen lately, maybe a little skirt would cheer you up."

"Dean! I'm not gonna get a girl, so leave it alone!"

"God Sammy, touched a nerve did I? Well, are you at least gonna tell me why? The real reason, not that 'we're gonna be moving' crap."

"I mea, I will if you really want me too, but you wont like it, trust me."

"I'm a big boy, I'm sure I can handle it. Tell me anyways."

"Just, promise me that you won't hate me after I tell you."

"God. Baby boy, nothing's gonna be so bad that I'll hate you."

"I'm not gonna get a girl because you're _it_ for me."

"What!"

"You're it. When I think about being with a girl, it always turns into thinking about being with you. When I am with a girl, I look at her and I see you. I can't get you out."

*********END FLACHBACK*********

Dean pushed the memory away, because even though he hadn't hated his brother after that, he had been disgusted enough to say that he did. Dean didn't want to think about the fight that had followed. He was afraid to think about the months of Sam's agony after that, the pills, the rope, until he had managed to convince Sam that he just wasn't worth Sam's life.

Dean shuddered and grabbed the whiskey bottle. He didn't bother with a glass and just drank it straight from the source.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time Sam came home from his night with Tammie, Dean was completely wasted. Sam took one look inside and sighed, he knew that vacant look on Dean's face. "You probably shouldn't come in right now. Dean's pretty drunk," he told Tammie. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Tammie assured him. She gave him a kiss before leaving, and Sam allowed himself to feel it. To feel the way her lips softened and molded under his. And then she turned and left.

Dean snorted when Sam turned towards him. "What are you gonna do when we have to move on?" he asked carelessly.

Sam shrugged. "I'll deal with that when I have to."

Dean giggled. "I'm so drunk, Sammy. I can't even see straight. I'm gonna have such a hangover tomorrow."

Sam could tell he was drunk. Dean never called him Sammy anymore, except to make fun of him and Tammie. In fact, Dean had stopped using any nicknames at all, even Sasquatch. He sighed, "Why do you do this to yourself?"

Dean just stared off into some distant corner of the universe. Sam sighed again, not expecting an answer, but then Dean said, "I don't know. I just get so scared sometimes, Sammy. I remember – things. Awful, scary things, and I can't deal. You're all I have. I can't do it without you. I can't do anything without you."

With a flash, Sam knew what Dean was talking about. He was thinking of the time when Sam had tried to kill himself. "Why are you thinking about that? It was so long ago. I was young, and stupid, and I was thinking things I shouldn't've. Besides, I've got so much more to live for now. I've got you and Bobby, and now I have Tammie too."

"Can't help it baby boy. I think about it all the time. It was my fault, 'cause I said something careless, 'cause I couldn't keep a promise for two fucking seconds. What would I do if you ever realized how much better you deserve than this shitty life of hunting, forever stuck with you older brother, and left? How would I live?"

Sam sighed and decided to spill his guts, but only because Dean was wasted. "Listen up, 'cause I'm only saying this because you're being weirdly honest and open, and because you're so wasted I doubt you'll remember this tomorrow.

"Do you remember what I told you that day?" Dean's look of concentration was almost comical, but Sam didn't wait for him to remember the words. "I told you that you were it for me. Remember? Nothing has changed for me since then. The only thing this is with me and Tammie, is a distraction. She allows me to tuck away the disgusting feeling I have for you, but they're still there. I can kiss her without being disgusted, or picturing you. But other than that, there's no passion between us, just me being curious about the normalcy of her life. But you're still _it_, and I would never leave you."

Dean nodded his head, but his eyes were closed and his breathing was deep and even. Sam got up to let him sleep, but Dean said something, his words slow, quiet, and slurred. "'S not disgusting."

"What?"

"Feelings. Not disgusting. I love you too."

Sam was shocked for a moment, but then he laughed quietly, "I know you do, but not like I love you." He leaned over and kissed Dean's forehead. "Night Dean."

Dean shifted and his lips brushed against Sam's own. "Night Sammy." His words ghosted across Sam's lips and Sam had to resist the urge to swallow those words like and elixir.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Sam already had coffee ready when Dean came groaning into the kitchen. "God I feel like shit."

Sam eyed him warily, trying to judge if Dean was going to throw up. When he determined that Dean would be able to hold it down, Sam handed him a cup of coffee. "You really shouldn't do that to yourself."

Dean threw him a cocky gin. "Life would be no fun if we never did what we shouldn't do."

Dean was back to himself, cocky and incomprehensible, and he didn't seem to remember anything that had happened last night. Sam tried to not look too relieved, but inside he felt like he had released a huge, pent up breath.

But then Dean got quiet, and Sam got worried. Perhaps Dean did remember something. "Listen," he finally said and Sam twitched unconsciously at the muted, thoughtful tone of his voice. "I was thinking," never good, "we usually skip town immediately after a case, but this time you have Tammie, and we're already pretty close to cracking this one." He fell silent

Sam was getting his drift but was still a bit confused at the goal, "And?" he asked, seeking clarification.

"And I was thinking maybe we could not skip this time. We could stay here, make a new home here, make it the base and just call Bobby every few days about jobs. It's close to his town anyways."

Sam was shocked. He got up and waved his hands in front of Dean's face, but Dean just pushed them away irritably, glaring at his brother. "Are you actually being thoughtful?" Sam asked incredulously.

Dean flashed him a brilliant, unsettling smile, "Blame it on the hangover. Maybe I _should_ stop drinking." He grew serious, "But think about it," the creepy smile was back, "before I change my mind."

Sam nodded, but he was worried. He was pretty sure Dean didn't remember what they had said last night, but something must have remained in his subconscious.

Dean was doing a mental face-palm. He was being so stupid, letting his emotional fucked up-ness of his current condition show. He was completely destroying the façade he had so carefully built to lock away the things he didn't want to think about. He decided to go out that night and reinforce the walls of that façade. And so he did.

After they had finished working on the case for the night, Sam went to go somewhere with Tammie, and Dean hit the local bar to pick up women. When Sam and Tammie stopped by the Winchester's place, they were greeted by the sight of a blond tramp doing things to Dean that would leave lipstick in some hard to wash places.

"I guess the whole thoughtful thing is over," Sam muttered as he and Tammie hurried out of the door and Dean called something indiscernible, but obviously rude, after them. He was clearly drunk, but it was not as bad as yesterday and Sam felt justified leaving him in the blondes obviously capable hands- and mouth.

"What's that dear?" Tammie asked.

"Nothing Tam. Just thinking that we should probably start going to your place instead. I am sorry; I thought he would be out longer." But he stopped talking when he saw the panicked look on her face. He was worried and confused for a moment before he realized she was panicking about going to her place. "Hey. Don't worry; I'm not trying to force you into anything. I just don't want us to run into something as disturbing as that again."

Tammie nodded and relaxed, looking reassured. But Sam was in a terrible mood for the rest of the night. He kept remembering the scene he had walked in on. And he kept remembering the look on Dean's face; completely disinterested in the girl, and his eyes held some faraway sadness.

Suddenly Tammie's charm of being able to make Sam forget about Dean wasn't working. One disgusting display, disturbing in more ways than one, and Dean was all Sam could think about.

When he and Tammie made it to her house, Sam, still focused on Dean, said, "Well, it's late and I should go." He made a face, "Though I really don't wanna go back home. Could be dangerous," he flashed her a smile. "But here and there are my only options, and I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you into doing anything."

Tammie opened her door and started pulling him inside along with her; "Well actually," she started.

_Shit_. This is not what Sam had expected to happened. He had thought she would thank him and send him on his way. Because Sam had lied. He actually wanted nothing more than to get home so he could break up whatever was happening. Sam took a deep breath. _This is as a result of forbidden feelings_, he told himself sternly, _that's why you're with Tammie, to forget these feelings_. He focused on what Tammie was saying.

"And when I realized that you cared enough to respect my wish to not jump into bed, I realized that we were at that point where we _could_ jump into bed, and it wouldn't ruin the relationship." Tammie stopped and took a nervous breath, looking shyly up at him.

Sam nodded slowly. "Okay. So we're here because you're ready for us to lie together? Are you sure?"

"As sure as anyone can ever be about these things."

Suddenly, Sam was very cautious. This was the first time he had ever cared even the slightest bit about someone outside of the supernatural world. She was so innocent in her 'normal' world. And she was sharing something with him that some previous bad experience had made her afraid to share. So he looked at her and said one word, "No."

Tammie looked slightly shocked and asked, "Why?"

"I've got so much wrong with me, you don't even know. I would end up hurting you. That level of intimacy is something that obviously frightens you a little, and I'm honored that you want to share that with me. But I would hurt you, and I- I just can't."

Tammie nodded, a bit surprised, but not as upset as she would have expected. Better to find out now than while he was hurting her. "Well," she looked up at him. "Don't think this means you can stop hanging out with me. I mea, we've been dating for like, three weeks, and I like to think we're fairly good friends, and I don't just le friends go."

Sam was stunned for a moment, but the he chuckled and said, "Yeah, of course."

Suddenly Tammie looked very mischievous. "I just realized something. It's Dean, isn't it? He's the reason you would've hurt me."

Sam's eyes went wide and he spluttered, "I- I-"

Tammie cut him off, "Don't worry, I don't judge, because trust me, there's been worse."

"Well, aren't you perceptive," Sam murmured, still shocked.

Tammie shrugged. "Yeah. And I'll tell you something else perceptive. Dean's in love with you too. So you should spend the night."

"Excuse me?"

"It's very obvious that Dean is in love with you. He was only with that girl to make you jealous. That's why they were in the open instead of in a bedroom. So you should spend the night here to make him jealous. He'll assume we slept together."

Sam just shook his head. "Dean's not in love with me."

Tammie looked at him with eyes he had never realized were so wise. "Yes he is. Either he doesn't realize it yet, in which case this might be just the push he needs, or he's been hiding it very carefully for a very long time. Look, I know there's nothing more that you want than to go home and rip that whore off your brother, but trust me, this'll be more effective in the long run. And chances are he won't even be able to through with it with that girl anyways."

So Sam stayed. He was still doubtful, but he figured that in the very least, it couldn't hurt.

The moment the happy, but disturbed, couple made it out of the door, Dean had pushed the girl off of him. He really wasn't in the mood anymore. After seeing Sam's face, he wasn't sure he'd ever be in the mood again. Sam had looked so completely disgusted, and Dean had wanted him so bad.

He shook himself. _No, Sam is your baby brother. That's it._

So he poured himself a glass of whiskey and showed the girl the door. After getting dressed he settled back to wait for Sam to come back. Come back home, come back to Dean, where he belonged.

And he waited.

And waited.

But Sam didn't come home for the rest of the night, and Dean fell asleep waiting.


	4. Chapter 4

He jumped awake at the loud click of the key in the door. He just barely managed to plaster on a smile before Sam and Tammie walked in. "Wow. I'm impressed Sam, all night. Does this mean you finally got some?" Dean was purposely callous in front of Tammie.

Sam wrinkled his nose. "You smell like a tavern. Did you sleep with whiskey in your hand, 'cause I think you spilled a little," he pointed to the wet spot on Dean's shirt that grew from the glass in his hand. "And it's none of your business what Tammie and I did last night."

"With any other guy that would mean no, but knowing you, you might actually just be protecting her honor," he made a face. Then, because he wanted Sam to suffer even_ some_ of his pain he said, "I guess I should get out of this shirt. Pity about the whisky though," he frowned sadly before immediately taking off his shirt.

He noticed that glance that Tammie shot Sam and said, "Thinking about leaving him for me? And after just a little glimpse," as if he wasn't completely shirtless. "Well, I don't blame you. I am much better looking, but that's not his fault, really." He smirked and leered lecherously at Tammie.

Tammie eyed him carefully before saying, "Actually, I was thinking that compared to your brother, you could use a few sessions at the gym. You can't have nearly the amount of stamina he has," it was Tammie's turn to lech, but she deigned to let her glance fall upon Sam instead of Dean.

Dean felt his heart stutter for a moment. It seemed that up until then he had managed to convince himself that they hadn't had sex, but now that proved impossible.

He glared at Tammie. _Mine_ his mind snarled before he could shove away the reproachable feelings. Sam saw the glare Dean had sent Tammie and raised an eyebrow at him, but Dean just flashed a brilliant smile in return. "Now, now. Don't be cruel," he told Tammie. "I work out just as much as Sam does. But where my upper hand lies is in experience. Sam here has only taken women to bed a few times, but I am much more practiced in the art of pleasure."

This time it was Tammie who raised an eyebrow at him. "I don't know, sounds dangerous. Who knows what kind of diseases you have." She left the sentence hanging before getting up to kiss Sam goodbye. It was a long, slow kiss, but Dean got the strange feeling it was all for show.

When she finally left, Dean turned to Sam and said, "Wow, you finally got some skirt. I'm proud of ya Sam."

Sam raised his eyebrow in response.

"You keep doing that with your eyebrow and it's gonna freeze like that."

"What's your problem with Tammie?"

"What?"

"You never really liked her, but at least you made an attempt. And then yesterday morning you were offering to stay here so I can be with her, but now all of a sudden you can't even bother to pretend to be civil with her."

Dean dropped the sarcastic look he had been wearing and donned one that Sam rarely saw. It was the look he wore when he was letting through his true emotions. He sighed, "Listen Sammy, I just want you to be happy. The offer to stay here still stands. Tammie obviously makes you happy. But that doesn't mean _I_ like her."

Sam reveled in the fact that Dean had just called him Sammy again, this time sober. Perhaps a bit hungover, but sober nonetheless. Then he listened to the words that Dean was saying. Dean had always put Sam ahead of himself, but he had _never_ stated that in words. And suddenly something was there. Not a complete dawning of realization, more like a tiny inkling. And inkling that maybe Tammie had been right about Dean's feelings.

Even though it was just the barest of suspicions, it was what Sam had waited his whole life for, so he decided to act on it. Because Dean wasn't expecting it, Sam had the surprise advantage and actually managed to trap Dean against the wall. He leaned against his brother and felt Dean's body fitting against his own in a way that left Sam breathless.

Dean's eyes grew wide in shock as he looked at his brother. Sam's face was a little curious and a lot smug. Sam leaned forward and let his words ghost across Dean's ear in a way that sent shivers through Dean's blood.

"I know you want me. I saw it flash through your eyes."

"No-no. I do love you, but not in the same way as you love me." Dean was panicking behind his walls. Making excuses, even though Sam's lips on his skin felt like inevitability.

Lightly, and with increasingly less caution, Sam let his lips trail all over Dean's face. When they came to his lips, Sam spoke again, pushing the words against Dean's mouth, willing him to open up and let Sam in. "Yes you do. Say it. Say the words. Admit it out loud and I will leave everything, I will leave Tammie, for you."

Sam pulled back slightly and Dean followed, chasing Sam's lips with his own, like iron following a magnet. "No, no, I don't. You should- Tammie," he was saying, but he was following Sam's lips in a way that was almost needy and desperate. Sam pressed him harder against the wall, and suddenly leaned down and kissed Dean. He tried to be gentle, to not frighten Dean with the intensity of his emotions. But the moment their lips met, the world exploded between them. Dean drove his hands into Sam's hair and pulled on it, using it to anchor Sam in place. Sam used his superior strength (not that Dean would ever agree to that) to mesh their hips together as tightly as possible.

Suddenly Dean tore his lips free, breaking the kiss to breath. Sam simply dropped his lips to Dean's neck, placing open mouthed kisses all over his skin, trying to taste as much of him as he could. But after a moment Dean pushed him away with a disgusted sound. "Get off of me," his said quietly, his voice sounding dead. When Sam didn't budge, Dean pushed harder. "I said get of off me! And don't you EVER touch me again!"

Sam backed away slowly. "I guess we both found out the truth, but only one of could handle it." As Dean stalked angrily away Sam called after him, "Think about what I said. All you have to do is say the words out loud!" but Dean was already gone, left the house, presumably to get drunk and pick up women. Sam sighed and picked up the phone. After a moment's hesitation, he dialed Tammie's number.

"Hello," she said in greeting. "I just got home. How's it going out there?"

"Dean's already gone to get wasted and laid."

"Already! It's only one in the afternoon."

"Yeah, well, things started happening, and I started pushing the issue. But I think I pushed to hard." So Sam told her everything that had happened in the shot time since she'd left.

"Oh honey. I'm so sorry," she said. "I know love is impatient, but you definitely pushed to hard. People in denial can't have the truth just shoved on them; they have to find out for themselves. If you try to force it on him, he might- and it sounds like did- just go into deeper denial."

"So how do people ever come out of denial!" Sam asked exasperatedly.

"Well, instead of directly pushing the issue, you have to be subtle about it. And sometimes the truth becomes to obvious for even them to ignore." Then her voice got softer, "I don't want to upset you, but some people don't ever come out of denial." But then her voice grew thoughtful. "What we need is something big. Something to shock him into the truth without you directly pushing it on him."

"Yeah, but what would do that?"

"I don't know. We should both think about it for a while, but for now, you're just gonna have to deal with him. And don't say anything about his feelings for you _at all_."

Sam agreed and they both hung up.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few weeks were torture. Dean avoided Sam completely if it wasn't about there job, and after they finished the case it was no longer necessary for even that communication. And Dean got drunk every night, and always brought home a different woman with him.

Finally, after three weeks if watching Dean commit all these disgusting acts, Sam got fed up and left. "I can see that I'm a disturbance. I'm sorry to cause you so much discomfort. I'm going to move in with Tammie. If Bobby calls with a job you can reach me there." And just like that, he was gone.

Tammie had already agreed to let Sam stay with her, and he moved in with a mixture of sadness and relief. That night he and Tammie let the night pass watching crappy, B-rated scary movies. She seemed to realize that he didn't want to talk about it, s instead they spent the entire night laughing at crap plots, cheap props, and bad acting.

Dean let the next week and a half pass in a blur of alcohol and women. When he tried to remember that time later in life it always came up as a big blank. But then, one night, he woke up.

It was thunder storming outside. Suddenly Dean thought _Sam would love this_. Sam had always loved thunderstorms. He told Dean once that it was because you could feel their raw power in your heart when the thunder rumbled through your chest. And with that one thought, it hit him. Sam was gone. Sam had left.

Pain flooded through Dean's chest and it took him a moment to realize what it was. It was heartbreak. Sam had left him. The one person Dean could trust, the only one he'd ever loved, and he was just gone. Dean didn't know how to go on. Sam was his rock, his little brother, his world, his everything. He needed Sam to live.

Resolved, Dean stepped out of his house. He was going to drive to Tammie's house, but when he stepped outside, he was hit by a wave of cleansing rain. As he felt the water streaking down his face he knew he needed this, needed the rain to wash away all his sins. He did not deserve to face Sam unless he was clean, pure. So he walked in the rain, the only illumination to see his way was the lightning overhead.

When he arrived at Tammie's house, Dean couldn't bring himself to knock on the door, couldn't face the possibility that Sam might never want to see him again. So there stood Dean, standing outside his beloved brother's door, his entire life being washed away in the rain, without the courage to ask to be let in.

Tammie called out to Sam. He came into the room quickly, concerned by the worried toned of her voice. "What's up?" he asked when he was in the living room.

"Look," she said, pointing to the window in the front of the room.

As he peered out the window, squinting against the darkness, he began to make out a form against the landscape. "Oh my god," he breathed, stunned at the sight before him. Slowly, cautious to not frighten of the glorious vision he beheld, he opened the door. And as the entrance parted further, the light fell on the face of Dean Winchester, the only person Sam had ever loved. "Dean?" he whispered, not completely convinced that it was not a dream.

And he could clearly see that tears were mixed in with the rain streaking down Dean's face. "Sammy I- I tried, but I couldn't do it. What if you didn't want to see me again? How would I survive? And I couldn't bring myself to knock on the door."

"Dean, I always want to see you. I've been dying this week and a half without you."

"I wasn't gonna walk, but I needed the rain to wash away- everything. Every wrong I've done to you, all my sins. But now I'm not sure it worked. I still don't feel worthy to stand in front of you. You're so pure, and I'll only sully you."

Sam was crying now, too. "Dean, you've always been the most pure creature to me. You could only make me better. If anyone were to sully the other, it would be me."

Dean just shook his head. "I know I'm not worthy, and that you have Tammie now, but please, take me back. I'm offering you all of me, but even if it's only as your brother, please let me back into your life."

In answer, Sam embraced Dean as tightly as he ever had before the entire mess had happen. And then he said something that made relief flood through Dean's entire body.

"Do you remember what I said that day? I told you that if you'd just say it, I'd leave everything for you."

"Promise?" Dean sounded desperate.

"Promise. So say it."

"I love you. I love you in every possible way. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine."

"Good. Can I kiss you now?"

"Please do."

And so the brothers kissed in the thunderstorm, letting the rain wash away everything except their love.


End file.
